I read James Garner's autobiography The Garner Files and decided to give him a call. As in the start of each Rockford Files episode, I got what purported to be his answering machine instead. Here's how it went.

"This is Jim. At the tone, leave your name and message. I'll get back to you. Beep"

"Hey Jim, or may I call you Jimmy? This is Michael Sarhad at San José Library. You don't know me, but I think you owe me, OK? Just finished reading your book. Now I owe $13.50 in library fines. But it's your fault. If you hadn't written such a good book, I wouldn't owe this large of a fine, see? So I think you should pay me back for the fine. After all, I couldn't put your book down until I finished it. Granted, I'm a rather slow reader and I didn't pick it up to read in the first place until it was already overdue, but that's all beside the point. The book is too interesting to read and/or return quickly anyway — an excellent celebrity bio, but without much of the usual sniping at other celebs. You give Garnerphiles many entertaining narratives on your rough childhood, military service, breaking into stage and screen acting, Maverick, Crosby Pro-Am and other golf stories, your movies, auto racing, The Rockford Files, your fights in and out of court, your critically acclaimed later career, and much more. What's really neat are two sections of the book: where your friends write about you mostly humorously, and where you honestly rate and criticize your own movies (you may be your toughest critic). You are known as a straight-shooter who looks out for the little guy, and these qualities shine through in the book. As a little guy myself, I expect that you will look out for me too. So after I pay the fine, you will receive a copy of my $13.50 fine receipt, along with a self-addressed stamped envelope so as not to inconvenience you too much. Please return the payment promptly. Have a wonderful day."