Chosen Families

Written by SJPL Librarian Chelsea Farrell

Do you have any holiday traditions in your family? Do you make Hannukah latkes with your mother or help your dad cook a huge Kwanzaa feast for your entire extended family? Do you spend time with your siblings and spoil your nieces and nephews with gifts? It's not uncommon for some families to have holiday traditions that have been passed down through multiple generations. While San Jose will likely not see a White Christmas this year covered in snow, many of us will still enjoy these traditions this holiday season, basking in the warmth of our families and loved ones.  Families are often sources of love, acceptance, and mutual support and it is often during the holiday period that many of these bonds are strengthened. 

Yet, just as holiday traditions can vary, family make-up can differ from person to person. Who is in your family? Maybe you have one mom and a step-dad, or maybe you were raised by your grandparents? Or maybe the family you choose to spend your holidays and large celebrations with aren’t related to you at all? Bring in the chosen family!  

What is a chosen family?

Well, the answer is in the name: a chosen family is a family that you choose. These families are sometimes also known as “found families”. Many of us have a chosen family without realizing it. Do you have a friend from school that you would consider as close as a sibling to you? An ex-romantic partner that you're still close to and that you can turn to in a time of need? Your chosen family are people who provide the same level of mutual support and love that birth or adopted families may, even if you are not related by ties of marriage, blood, or law. For many, the ties that they have to chosen family members are just as strong or even stronger than their ties to their family of origin. 

For others, they face the sad reality that their family of origin will never be available to them. In particular, many LGBTQIAA+ young adults around the world experience complications with their families due to their identity.  An estimated 68% of LGBTQIAA+ youth in the United States have experienced rejection from their family as a result of their sexual or gender identity. Approximately 46% of LGBTQIAA+ young adults in the UK report that they are estranged from at least one member of their family as a result of their identities. For these people, the love and ties that they form with their chosen family become even more important because it might be the only family that they have – just as they are transitioning into and navigating adulthood. Strengthening and reaffirming these ties is vital and, often, life-saving as research shows that LGBTQIAA+ people who do not have a supportive family are much more likely to experience depression; are more likely to engage in risky behaviors such as illegal drug use or unprotected sex; and are more likely to contemplate or attempt suicide. Conversely, those who have a supportive family network are more likely to experience better educational attainment and better health.  

Thus, chosen families fill a vital role for many who are estranged from their family of origin.   

Celebrate Chosen Families  

This holiday season, as we plan special gatherings to celebrate and spend time with loved ones, take a moment to recognize all of the people who cherish and love us for who we are. Consider all of the ways that your family may be larger than just those in your family of origin.  Celebrate your chosen family with a Friendsgiving dinner. Throw a Christmas party and invite your closest friends. Invite close friends to your family of origin’s Hannukah celebration. Remember to celebrate your family in all of its forms, whether you are family through birth, marriage, adoption, or choice!  

Thankful for Chosen Families

Read more about chosen families or explore potentially new traditions to share with your chosen family!

Want to explore more?

Visit our LGBTQ+ Resource Page for recommended reading lists and a curated selection of local resources that address the diverse needs of our community.